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BURNABY, B.C. (CUP HUMOUR) — Bowing to an overwhelming grassroots campaign of several thousand people, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police have spent the last several months working in conjunction with Amnesty International to secure the necessary jurisdiction warrants for the arrest of George W. Bush. Mr. Bush was slated to speak at the Surrey Regional Economic Summit on Oct. 20, but instead was led away in handcuffs to the jubilant and apprehensive cheers of the crowds of protesters.

Many protestors were eager to explain why Bush needed to be arrested by Canadian authorities.

“Have you ever heard him speak?” asked Larry Halwell, a protester. "He was president of the United States. President. And he once said, 'The French don’t even have a word for entrepreneur.’ Seriously. President. It’s unbelieveable.”

SFU professor of political science Peter Halwert described the situation as “a great victory for human rights, one that that will in no way negatively affect Canada’s international image and ward off any potential future diplomats from visiting.” He added, “It also probably won’t deeply violate the good relations with Canada’s southern neighbour, largest trading partner, and creator of 51 per cent of its economy.”

Many political analysts have noted that the arrest of Bush, although a momentous one, is only the first step of many. Bush will still need to stand trial in front of a UN tribunal to answer for his crimes — a trial that will not likely happen for anywhere from two to three years from now to never, although most agree the tribunal itself will be a relatively quick and straightforward procedure. That is, unless he were to have access to immense momentary funds, have close personal ties to multiple foreign diplomats and world leaders, and a disarming southern accent.

The Peak reached out to Bush’s various allies and cronies, but has yet to hear back from any of them. Former U.S. vice president Dick Cheney could not be reached at press time, as he was “too busy slapping his knee and wiping the tears of laughter out of his eyes.”

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